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aaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhh grrrrrrrrrrr!!!! i'm in such shitty mood right now. i'm just pissed at my husband. why does he have to be such an idiot??? (if i want to freaking complain about him here i will!!!!)
it's not like i ever go anywhere. i never leave my fucking prison. i have no life. is it so bad that i wanted to go shopping and get some things before my sister comes. just to get ready? oh yeah of course i can do it the fucking day before but why should i wait? i never ask anything of him. i should have just went by myself but i'm not crazy about driving. i do know how but i don't like to. and it's not like i ever ask anything from him hardly ever. i'm tired of his attitude and the dirty looks and he never freaking talks to me, he just sulks! and he doesn't understand shit of what i'm going through with all these treatments and medicines and side effects. i'm just sick of him and i don't even want to be married to him anymore. god knows why i'm trying to have a baby with him! maybe cause i'm STUPID, maybe cause i'm CRAZY, maybe cause i'm DESPERATE!!! geez. and yes my mood from a few days ago was his fucking fault too! ok i'm done ranting hysterically now i will rant more calmly. i just had to get that out.
i think i'm gonna need anger management classes before this is all over with. :(
i don't want to end up hating him. he's been really good to me except for the fact that he is emotionally VOID. which is something i need. i need someone who will talk to me and listen and understand or at the very least TRY. and this is what is missing most. he doesn't beat me, doesn't call me names (oh but there is that mumbling under his breath shit he does)... he provides great for us and never denies me anything i should want... but sometimes i feel like he just goes along with me for the sake of going along and so there is less argument? i have no idea what is going on in his head because he NEVER talks to me. i'm not even sure if he loves me. one minute i think yes he does and the next i really just don't know. and i am to where i don't love him like i used to long ago. it's in a whole different way now. almost feels like indifference. :( i give up.
friends will say that he and i are perfect for each other. but they only see bits and pieces and they don't see what it's really like or understand how i'm really feeling about stuff. as for brian... i have no idea how he really feels. if he don't tell me, i'm sure he tells no one else. i told my sister the other day, that i wanted a divorce and even she said 'oh no way! you and brian are so great together! you both are so funny!' and i'm like 'oh yeah yeah... the funny act'... *sigh* i feel like crying. but i'm not going to. time to toughen up again.
