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i'm feeling really sad tonight. :-( i'm lonely too. it's so quiet right now. cept for the a/c running ((i finally broke down and kicked it on so i don't die of the hot flashes that are gonna get me soon enough from the pills i'm on)) and the fact that i have the radio on loud. . listening to 'tonic' - "if you could only see" and i'm seriously fighting tears here. i don't know what's wrong with me. or maybe i do know. and just prefer to guard it with my life. yeah i know i said it's so quiet here. but did you ever feel that alone when you could yeah have the music screaming or whatever else and it still seems deathly still in the room?
quiet:::quiet:::quiet ... wish the thoughts in my head would shut the hell up about now. i want to WRITE. i want to write things. i want to explain. i want to talk. i want to cry and i want to yell and i don't know what the hell i want. christ! i can talk things to death sometimes. when i have a problem with someone or whatever i will talk about it for years, i swear.
ugh. i'm just depressed. sorry people. what ya see is what ya get. heh. yeah.... what you see is what you get... pity, i know. i'm just tired...
i need sleep. insomnia sucks. i can't make myself sleep and it's hot in this house too. i know i need to give the air time to cool it down but i'm really impatient and on edge right now and i don't want to wait for ANYTHING in my life.
i need to stop bothering to paint my nails. i either peel it off the next day or it gets bubbles under it and it's pissing me off. i should stick to clear or go back to having them shorter. but i have never been good at making up my mind... and i have never been good with conflict in my life. i have this huge amount of guilt i have been carrying from childhood i guess. well guilt and anger. i need to just get over it already. wish it were that easy. i wish sometimes i was cold and mean and just knew what to do or say in a certain situation and if i could have this uncaring attitude... ahhhh wouldn't that be great. to not care what people think of me but i care all too much about it.
ahhhhhhhh.... give it up kim. go to bed or something. *sigh* 
