up late... should be sleeping but i am finding that very hard to do the past few days. :( i did take an almost 2 hour nap from 10 to midnight. in less than 6 hours i go for my second blood draw to see if my numbers are doubling and see if i'm gonna lose my baby. :( i have a bad feeling about it. my tummy is cramping and my back is aching. i'm exhausted and i can't eat anything. i feel this pinching feeling inside of me. i want so badly for this to work out for me. please let those numbers have doubled. i need some good news. i need to be able to go home to my sister's baby shower and be happy like everyone else.

speaking of her shower, i just wrapped all of her baby gifts. i'm surprised how much it actually didn't bother me too badly. no tears. i think i cried an ocean last night and there's none left for today hardly. i feel so numb. tomorrow will be a different story. i guess if i get bad news i won't be going home. i don't want to ruin her party. it's supposed to be a happy occasion for her. i'm just sad that i will miss it. :(

when i did sleep last night i had strange dreams of babies. all i could see was baby feet and baby legs and baby arms and baby hands and little tummies... but no baby faces. couldn't tell if they were boys or girls either. ... no baby faces. :( i can't get that out of my head... there were no faces...